Divorce is difficult on relationships!

I have been an observer for a while now of how divorce is damaging to relationships. People seem to want to pick sides of the divorcing couple. Not many people have the courage to be friends to both people. When we are friends to both people, we do not have to feel we need to choose one or the other. I feel it is totally possible to be friends to both parties. However, I am in the minority because the majority of people feel they have to judge the couple and that makes one person right and one person wrong. In all relationships, romatic and otherwise, both people involved have to make an effort forward every day to build and nurture the relationship. If the relationship falls apart, it is due to both people involved. Though there may be more growth forward for one person, it is difficult to maintain a friendship and love when the other person stays stagnant and in a place of anger, resentment, fear, hurt or hatred. In this instance, after exhausting all avenues for repairing the relationship, there may be no other choice but to part. That choice is usually mutual, but even if one sided, it is in that person's best interest to leave and move forward in peace and clarity.

Often, there is one party that is bitter, angry, resentful, hurt, fearful and judgemental. This person seems to need to hurt the other party by damaging other important relationships, such as children. I know of one instance where the dad, who is loving, caring, supportive and encouraging, is not able to get close to his adult children because of the story built by the his ex-wife. Instead of encouraging these children to be part of their dad's life, and allowing her grandchildren to know their grandfather, the adult kids have fear of their mother and have bought into the story built by the bitter mom.

Before this mother married again, she phoned her ex-husband and asked for forgiveness. She apologized for what she did to hurt him and the kids. Though this was a nice gesture, his response was this: "It is not me you need to apologize to. Call your kids and tell them the truth. It is them you have hurt and because of that, and your need to control everything, they have a hard time bringing me into their lives." This man still struggles with being included in his grandchildren's lives. There has been no contact with his youngest daughter for the past 9 years. He was not invited to her graduation or her wedding. How sad is that? He feels that when this daughter has a child that he will then be asked to come back and be involved in her life.

The middle child, a daughter as well, only contacts him when it is time for birthdays or Christmas when she and her 2 young children could benefit by receiving gifts. He has an open invitation to her that when the family is in town to please call him and he would meet them for a meal or invite them to his house. That has not happened yet. This daughter does not say hi to him or give him a hug. She talks to her dad through her children. She is teaching her children how to act and this is not a great way to behave. The boy is 7 and the girl is 5. They are both in need of a grandparent's influence. There is no problem with this girls mother being included in everything, or her husband's parents being involved. This simply does not make sense.

This man's son has a daughter who just turned 1. He lives a few hours away so it is difficult to see them. The son is closer to his dad but it is still difficult to spend time with the granddaughter because everyone else is around that this little girl knows, and so she goes to them first. How will she get to know her grandpa if she is not allowed time to visit him alone? This man's daughter-in-law seems to be bitter and upset with this man. She has said aloud to him that he is a bother because then her daughter can't take her nap when she needs to and then she, the daughter-in-law, is expected to cook for him when he comes to visit. Since when is this a problem? Her parents come to visit every weekend and they are not a bother or inconvenience! They stay at their house in a room set up for them. When this man spent the night, he was put in their camping trailer outside while other friends stayed in the house. Does this make sense?

My whole point is this: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PICK SIDES OR POISEN THE MINDS OF OTHERS IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO BE THE ONE PEOPLE CHOOSE! ALSO, AS AN ADULT, GROW UP AND MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND! THINK FOR YOURSELF! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM YOUR FATHER BECAUSE MOMMY TELLS YOU TO. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF LOSING YOUR MOTHER BECAUSE YOU SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FATHER!

As an adult, you get to decide to have both people in your life. If your parents do not get along, then you have two events where each parent is invited to one and included in your family in a loving way. It does not have to be difficult. You just make it that way by your choices. This life is way too short to spend it being bitter and angry. Take a step forward and say that you choose to have both your mom and dad involved in your life and in the lives of your children. If one parent is angry about this, then perhaps that is the parent you need to remove from your life. Set the best example for your children by being reasonable and responsible for your choices. If one of your parent's seems to be telling you what to do, it is time to challenge them and say NO MORE! Tell that parent that you make the decisions that affect your family's lives. Stand your ground, be strong and say your truth! Your spirit will thank you and you will feel peace once again.

Relationships are so important and the one's with our parents is so necessary as we all get older. Your children deserve to be with their grandparents, both of them, just not at the same time. Make time for both parents in your life. Be the bigger person and invite them over for a meal. When you are in town, tell them and make time for a visit. You, and your children, will be better for it. Your parent will be included and accepted for who they are. Yes, you can love both parents in the space they are now. So challenge the beliefs you hold and if they do not suit you now, then let them go and accept healthier beliefs. Accept beliefs that everyone can win and though it takes some time and effort, everyone benefits!