Step-Parenting - A Tough Task

When I got married my second time, we were together first for 4 years. This man had 3 boys when we got together, ages 1, 3 and 5. I had a son who was 3 years old. The boys would come and visit 3 weekends out of 4, which was a big adjustment for me. I had been a single parent for 2 years, with visitation of 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. I had grown used to my quiet time and really enjoyed the peace I felt. However, all peace was gone the minute I united with my husband and we blended families.

Oprah has said many times that being a parent is the hardest job of all. That is partially true. The hardest job of all, in my eyes, is the job of step-parenting. As a parent, I knew how I wanted to raise my child, what kinds of rules I wanted my child to follow, and what I wanted the end result to be for him as an adult. But when I joined families, all my preconceived ideas seem to go out the window as I had to make a plan that worked for the whole family. At least that is what I did and really wish I had thought about changing my course of action before I let go of what I wanted.

Though it is important to consider your new partner and have a joint action plan, it is also important to make sure that you raise your child your way. Know what kind of parent you are and why you are that way before you start being a parent. And feel free to re-evaluate your action plan and make adjustments as you go along because life changes frequently. Perhaps you see that you are too lenient, or perhaps you are too strict. It is important to have a good balance in the middle to allow for proper structured growth of the child. And remember, you do the best you can with the tools and information you have. Listen to feedback you may receive from others and see if any of that resonates with you. If it does, change your action plan. If it doesn't, then stay your course.

I would highly recommend that before you even consider getting married into a blended family, you FORGIVE yourself for your first marriage that did not work. It takes two people to make it work 100% of the time, not one person 50% of the time. And you need to start any relationhip with the building of a proper foundation of your romantic relationship first. If this foundation is not strong and stable first, then there is nothing to build upon and your blended family will crumble. I am talking from experience when I say that this is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember. You need to build that relationship first and foremost. Make sure it is strong and durable and will support your children as you all grow together as a family. If that relationship is not strong, DO NOT continue with the relationship. This may seem harsh, but you will save yourself a lot of heart ache and head ache if you listen to the clues that your life is showing you. Pay attention to how you feel. At first, like any relationship, there is excitement and butterflies. As time moves on however, those dissipate and you are then in the real life day-to-day movement, and if things are not working and your partner is not holding up her or his end of the bargain to make the relationship work, then get out while you can.

Life is too short to try really, really hard at something. If you have to expend that much energy, then it was not meant to be. This is what I learned from that marriage and it took me a long time to leave. My marriage to this man, the whole time, was a roller coaster of emotions and an uphill battle. Save yourself the time and if it isn't working to begin with, move on and don't look back. Life is meant to be enjoyable and easy, and if it is not, you need to ask yourself why not. Let go of any preconceived notions of what it is supposed to be, and if it is meant to be, it will be easy and fun and flowing. Anything other than than needs to be changed.