Are We Helping or Hurting?

Last week my partner and I were in Calgary. He was in business meetings and I was working on marketing for my book Designed To Be Uniquely Me that was published in October of 2015. The hotel where we stayed was right down town and I had to walk several blocks to get to the book stores and the mall. As with any city, there are more homeless people then we are aware of and they seem to be more visible among the well-dressed business people. Since I was on a mini holiday, I did not have any certain time I had to be anywhere and the mall was not opened until 10 am. So I made my way to the mall around 11 on Tuesday morning and was observant of the people in the area. At that hour there was a lot of traffic on the road and just as much foot traffic on the side walks. The coffee shops were busy and the restaurants were starting to fill up.

I made my way to the mall and enjoyed a cup of frozen yogurt for lunch. I then did a bit of shopping and I enjoyed seeing the new fashions and colors in style for this spring. I took my time and tried on a few different styles with different colors and I enjoyed my interaction with the sales people. I am always talkative and told the saleswomen that I was looking for somewhat dressier styles as I was planning on doing many book signings this year for my new book. This always starts a conversation and I have a lot of fun sharing my story about my journey of writing my book. I had a few contacts in this mall and touched base with Indigo books and set up a book signing there in May. I also made a friend from Rocky Mountain Soap Company and she bought a book on the spot. She said she had been waiting since Christmas for me to return because she couldn't wait to read my book. As she read the back cover, which tells about the story, she had goose bumps all over, and that never happens she told me. So it was meant to be!

After my day in the mall, and after our supper with my partner's co-workers and sister, we went on a walk for a coffee. While at Tim Horton's, kitty corner from the hotel, there was a homeless man there. He had layers of dirty clothes on, with long straggly hair, beard and mustache. His cart was parked outside the shop in front of the window. He ordered a small coffee and sat across the isle from us. As we were discussing our day, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps he would like a meal. I wondered where he got his food from and what he did during the day. I allowed these thoughts to come as I sat with them for awhile, deciding if I needed to take action or not. Since I have awakened to my true self and have become in tune with my thoughts and feelings, knowing when to take inspired action and when to be still, I was inspired to be still. I processed the action of buying this man a meal, but then that would take away his independence and perhaps even insult him. He was living on the street for a reason, and that was his choice and his journey. Perhaps life was simpler for him than living the conventional way, with holding down a job and living in a house or apartment.

Shortly after this man sat down, he got up and went out to his cart. He brought in a package of cookies and ate them with his coffee. He seemed content and happy to be enjoying his treat. We smiled at him and let him be. His cart had all he needed. Cans and bottles that he collected were visible, there was foam padding, blankets and a pillow for his slumber, and there was a package of cookies. He seemed to have his life in order and I did not want to upset his choices. About 10 minutes later, a lady and her young daughter came in. They ordered their food and then walked toward the homeless man. The mother asked him if he would like a sandwich. He asked what kind of sandwich? She replied a ham sandwich and handed it to him. He said "Well, what about you?" She replied "I ordered this for you, we have what we came for." This man replied, with somewhat of an attitude "I guess so." Without a thank you to this kind lady, they left and this man took the sandwich. He turned to us and told us what had just happened. We simply smiled at him and said "That was nice of her." He just shrugged his shoulders as if it was no big deal.

I know the mother was trying to teach her daughter to be kind to others. But in truth, what did this child learn? This man was not grateful and had not asked for anyone's help. He was minding his own business, enjoying a warm place to sit on a cool night, with a warm drink and a snack. My takeaway from this situation is that he was not in need of anyone's help, nor did he appear to need it. He seemed fully capable of taking care of himself. So, in wanting to help, are we helping, or are we hurting? If we presume to think we know what someone else wants or needs, and take action to step in, is that fair to the other person? Since he is on this journey and made choices that allowed him to be where he is, it is not up to us to think we know what he needs, or to help him get out of this situation. It is up to us to respect his choices and allow him to live his life in peace.

Now, if he asked me for help, if he approached me and asked if I would buy him some soup or a sandwich, then I would have jumped to action. There are times that people do ask for a few dollars, and even then, I still have to decide if they would put that money to good use. I have heard many homeless people will ask for money for food or coffee, but then they go and spend that money on alcohol or drugs. The last thing I want to do is add to a persons dysfunction if that is the case.

In my research of the homeless and in talking to many of them, and also working in the food bank when I was younger, I have come to know that there are a multitude of reasons why people live on the streets. For some people, it is by choice as they refuse to live inside the societal constraints of needing to work to pay for their living. For others, it is as a result of bad choices leading to a downward spiral and a very bad depression, making it impossible for them to hold down a job and function in the acceptable "normal" way of life. Some people may be on the streets because it is all they know. Perhaps they were a child of a homeless person and only know how to live this way. If you were to take a person like this and clean them up and put them in a house and give them a job, they would not have the coping skills or social skills to be able to make it work. This would cause them more anxiety, more stress and more depression as they would probably feel not good enough and like they had no value to offer the world. Then there are the people that are referred to and labelled as "the junkies". These people are the addicts and they do not know any other way. They have a lifetime of issues that are buried deep inside and they do not know how to deal with them. Any time these feelings or issues get close to the surface, they take another hit or have another drink. It feels better to numb the pain and keep themselves bound to unhappiness and failure than to allow the feelings to surface, dealing with them, and allowing themselves to feel freedom.

It all comes down to a matter of choice. What they choose is their journey, their path, and until they hit rock bottom, which usually means they are near death, and they reach out and ask for help, there is not much we can do for them. What we can do is to stop enabling them by giving them money, giving them alcohol or giving them drugs. We need to tell them that if that is how they choose to live their live, you WILL NOT watch them kill themselves. Sometimes what is necessary is some hard love. Though many of us do not want to go to this tough love because it would make us appear to be hard or cruel, it is the best choice of action in this case. When someone's life is at stake, there is no other way to protect them than to go against them and allow them to fall. Then, you can be there to pick them up and help them rebuild their lives. For the people that are addicts, this is the hardest journey of all as it is being a witness to self-destruction. And no one wants to see that or feel that as it is happening. It is a scary place to be, but also one that is enlightening, as it allows them to see that they need to make real changes in their lives and to make better choices.

Next time you are thinking about getting involved in someone's life, ask yourself if it is to help them or to hurt them? Is it to help them feel better or to help yourself feel better? Will they receive your offer of help as a good thing or see it as interfering? Sometimes the best thing we can do is nothing at all. We just need to wait until the bricks around that person start to crumble, then ask if they would like some help. This goes for any situation in life, at any time. If we try to help someone, what is the reason we want to help? Will it enable them to continue a destructive lifestyle, or is it an intervention so that you can get them on a better path? Is the intervention going to be well received, or stopped before it begins. There are many things to consider when you want to become involved in their lives. It is really important to know what the motive is, if it will help or hurt them, and what the end result will be. Once you get clear on the answers to these questions, then you will know what action to take.

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